just come out here and I will go home with you...
i already hear my dad disowning me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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