Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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