Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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