i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
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It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
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this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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