I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
