I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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