Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
