I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
