I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Holy shit dude........stairs
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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