remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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