My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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