hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
