I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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