I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
