Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We smell like vodka and hangover
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
