I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
