I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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