I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
