So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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