I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
