You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
