Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
