My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Your dad touched me again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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