I looked at my own cervix.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
