I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
