Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
