He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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