Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
