Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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