I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
