my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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