Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
