Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
