I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
