i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I am spending my child support on dildos
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
