if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
