I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
