i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
