there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
