My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
