He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
