i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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