My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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