The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
