I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
