My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
