Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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