So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
