She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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