false alarm. still invincible.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
