why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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