can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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