so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
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I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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