You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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