My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
