Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
