My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
