i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
