And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Come see our sink grown plant.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
