My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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