i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
