sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
