I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
